Gamin with a Cherub's Bow
by Raij
Summary: Gavroche gets his mitts on Cupid's most prized possession. Chaos ensues.


Gamin with a Cherub's Bow: A Tale of Love, Deceit, and Other Silly Things

**Act 1, Scene 1**  
  
_The sun rises slowly, lighting up the scene, as dramatic music starts playing. It is in a sparsely populated town square, during a rather dull festival. There is a single porta-potty right in the middle of everything, and a little cherub with wings and a quiver full of wicked looking arrows is standing outside of it, hopping impatiently from foot to foot and looking desperate._  
  
**Cupid:** Hey! Hurry up in there! _(kicks door, and resumes hopping. A few tense minutes pass, and the door finally opens. **Gavroche** bounds out.)_  
**Cupid:**: Whew! Finally! Hey, could you hold this for me? _(innocently hands **Gavroche** the quiver and bow, then leaps inside the porta-potty, almost slamming the door on one of his wings. **Gavroche** stares at the bow, and an evil grin spreads across his face.)_  
**Gavroche**: Heh heh heh... _(he dashes off into the thick crowd, vanishing from sight. A much-relieved looking **Cupid:** steps back out of the porta-potty.)_  
**Cupid:**: Hey, thanks kid...kid? Hey! Kid! Oh, geez...not again...  
  


Act 1, Scene 2  
  
_(**Gavroche**, hiding in an alley, looks with mischief in his eyes at his new toy. Fitting an arrow to the bow, he peers around a corner.)_ **Javert**: This is a disturbance of the peace! To jail with you!  
**Innocent Waif**: But, m'sieur, I didn't intend to dump the chamber pot on your head! It was pushed out that window by my--my cat!  
  
**Javert**: Save your breath, spare me your excuses! This is a criminal offense!  
**Innocent Waif**: _(weeping pitifully)_ Inspector, please! Think of my children! They'll die if I go to jail!  
**Javert**: You couldn't possibly have children, you're hardly more than five years old. What sort of moron would believe a thing like that? _(pulls out his handcuffs, and prepares to lead her off to jail, when **Valjean** intervenes.)_  
**Valjean**: **Javert**, let her go! I think she's telling the truth! _(**Javert** stares at him, aghast. **Gavroche** pulls back on the arrow and lets it go. With an imperceptible thud, it hits **Valjean** in the back and dissolves into wispy, pink smoke. Chuckling evilly, **Gavroche** withdraws into the shadows. **Valjean** stares at **Javert**, eyes shining. **Javert**, growing uncomfortable under **Valjean**'s loving gaze, lowers his eyes and steps backwards. **Valjean** follows.)_  
**Javert**: Well, I'll just be going then...good-bye, **Valjean**...er...  
**Valjean**: **Javert**, have I ever told you that I love the way you wear your hair? And your whiskers! Mutton chops are so...manly.  
**Innocent Waif**: Well, I'll be going now...  
**Javert**: ...  
**Valjean**: **Javert**, run away with me! We can start a new life together! _(Frightened, **Javert** steps back faster and faster, eventually breaking into a run. **Valjean** follows close behind, crying his name. **Gavroche** is nearly trampled by the frightened inspector and his quarry-turned-hunter, **Valjean**. Dusting himself off, **Gavroche** trots off to another part of the city. He doesn't go far, however, before he encounters another perfect opportunity for mischief.)_  
**Enjolras**: **Grantaire**, how many times must I tell you to put the bottle down? Drinking is evil! It will not help us in this revolution! For that matter, /you/ will not help us in this revolution! Why don't you just leave, worthless vagabond?  
**Grantaire**: Yesh, yesh...your words shting me, **Enjolras**...  
**Enjolras**: You hopeless drunk. I don't know why you're even a member of the Friends of the A B C.  
**Deadbeat Waitress**: 'urry up and decide wotcher gonna eat, I ain't got all day. _(**Gavroche** nocks another arrow and steps in for a better shot. Releasing the arrow, he smiles to see it fly true--right into **Enjolras**. He gazes at the waitress.)_  
**Enjolras**: Beautiful waitress, I love you more than life itself! Forget this hopeless revolution, let us be wedded today!  
**Deadbeat Waitress**: Sure, yeah, whatever. Todays specials are-- _(Taking this as her assent, **Enjolras** picks her up and carries the somewhat disgruntled waitress off to the nearest church. **Combeferre**, **Feuilly**, **Courfeyrac**, **Joly**, **Bossuet**, **Bahorel**, and **Jean Prouvaire**, shocked, stare at him until he vanishes into the crowd. **Grantaire**'s too drunk to notice.)_  
**Feuilly**: Well, that was unusual...  
**Bossuet**: Think the pressure of all this planning got to him?  
**Courfeyrac**: He's just stressed. He'll be okay.  
**Jean Prouvaire**: Ah, the unshakable leader, lost in the throes of love!  
**Joly**: Do you think it's a disease? _(pauses)_ Do you think it's contagious?  
**Bahorel**: Shall we stop him?  
**Combeferre**: I'm hungry. How are we going to order our food without a waitress?  
**All**: _(long pause)_ ...After him! _(**Gavroche** scampers off as the small mob, a protesting **Grantaire** in tow, races off in the direction **Enjolras** took. He watches them run off, a smug look on his face. He doesn't notice **Eponine** sneaking up behind him.)_  
**Eponine**: Eh, wotcher got there? **Gavroche**, where'd you pick that up? **Gavroche**: ...it's mine. I...found it. Really!  
**Eponine**: What's it for? Honestly, with all the different kinds guns we have these days, I'll never believe you'd just tear around the city with a bow and arrow to attack people. I'm not stupid, **'Vroche**.  
**Gavroche**: Oh, fine, I filched it off o' **Cupid:**.  
**Eponine**: **Cupid:**, you say? Hmm... _(Her eyes light up with a thoughtful gleam. Smiling sweetly, she pats **Gavroche** on the head.)_  
**Eponine**: 'Vroche, **Eponine**'s been nice to you lately...  
**Gavroche**: You're after that **Marius** idiot again?  
**Eponine**: Oh, would you? Please? _(He grudgingly nods his assent. She reaches down to jubilantly hug her little brother, who dances away from her, a disgusted girls-are-icky look on his face. They set out to find **Marius**.)_  
  
_(really cheesy music starts playing)_  
INTERMISSION  
_(really LOUD cheesey music starts playing)_  
  
  
Act 2, scene 1   
_(**Marius** is just walking out of the Gorbeau tenament, when **Eponine** and **Gavroche** spot him from around a corner.)_  
**Gavroche**: Well, there 'e is, **'Ponine**. Go grab his attention.  
**Eponine**: _(ecstatic)_ Thank you, **Gavroche**! Oh, I've waited so long--  
**Gavroche**: Stupid girl, hurry up! He's getting away.  
_(**Eponine** runs up to **Marius** and grabs him by the shoulders, whirling him around to face her. **Gavroche**, taking aim, lets his arrow fly. It hits **Marius**.)_/  
**Eponine**: _(knowing she's got him)_ Hi, **Marius**...  
_(**Marius** stares at **Eponine** with love shining in his eyes. He gazes at her.)_  
**Eponine**: _(waiting for something to happen)_ ...Well?  
**Marius**: ...  
**Eponine**: Aren't you supposed to proclaim your undying love right about now?  
**Marius**: ...  
**Eponine**: ...or kiss me passionately?  
**Marius**: _(still gazing with awed affection)_ ...  
**Eponine**: You're just going to stand there? That's...it? _(she glances over at **Gavroche** for help, only to find that the little gamin has scampered off.)_  
**Marius**: ...**Eponine**...  
**Eponine**: Finally! Some action!  
**Marius**: ...Do you want to see my beetle collection?  
**Eponine**: Wh-what?!? Beetle collection!  
**Marius**: It's my most precious possession! My father started it when he was 5. I've never let anybody see it, but you, I love you...  
**Eponine**: ...O...kay...  
**Marius**: _(bashfully excited)_ Come on! It's hidden in my room! _(**Eponine** begins to wonder what she's gotten herself into, as **Marius** grabs her wrist and pulls her inside the Gorbeau tenement.)_ **Marius**: And this one, isn't it pretty? **Eponine**: *Yawn*...**Marius**, can we do something different? **Marius**: Sure! Wanna see my cobblestone fungi collection?  
**Eponine**: No.  
**Marius**: _(undaunted)_ Okay...I know! Let's go and sit by the Seine! We can watch the sunset!  
**Eponine**: At last, something romantic!   
_(They rush off to the Seine, **Marius** in the lead. Presently they arrive, and sit on a stone bench. In silence.)_  
**Eponine**: ...  
**Marius**: ...  
**Eponine**: ...Well.  
**Marius**: Isn't the architecture on that bridge simply lovely?  
**Eponine**: _(groans)_ **Marius**...  
**Marius**: _(Jumps to his feet)_ My word, who is _/that/_?  
**Javert**: G-go away, **Valjean**! I swear to you, if you don't let me be...  
**Valjean**: Oh, **Javert**! You're such a tease.  
**Javert**: Go! Leave me--I'm serious! _(he backs onto the bridge)_  
**Valjean**: Don't be silly, my love.  
**Javert**: Don't come one step closer you--you con! _(backs up further)_  
**Valjean**: _(alarmed)_ **Javert**! Look out--the rail!  
**Javert**: _(topples backwards over the side)_ AIEEEEEE! _(splashes into the Seine)_  
**Marius**: **Eponine**, did that man just fall into the river?  
**Eponine**: _(with desperate aggression)_ **Marius**, kiss me!  
**Marius**: _(reprimandingly)_ **Eponine**! Don't you think that's a little forward? I know! Want to watch the dust settle? It's really fun! Here, come with m--  
**Eponine**: Ai, what a bore you are, **Marius**! Leave me alone, I regret ever laying eyes on you!  
**Marius**: You don't mean that. Maybe we can get married! Then we can do all sorts of fun things all the time for the rest of our lives, like having molasses races and watching grass grow and making all sorts of neat collections!  
**Eponine**: _(panicking)_ Wh-what about that girl you were so crazy about, that **Cosette**?  
**Marius**: Who? Oh, her. She doesn't matter anymore--I love you! And I'll never, ever let you out of my sight!  
**Eponine**: Noooo! This can't be happening! _/No/_!  
_(**Eponine** tears away, sprinting with all the grace of a three-legged camel through the streets of Paris. In her wake lay the bodies of shopkeepers and the remains of carts and horses that got in the way of her desperate flight. **Marius** trots behind her. Way, way behind her.)_  
**Eponine**: Huff...puff...Gav...where...I'll kill the...little gamin...  
**Gavroche**: Huh?  
**Eponine**: **'Vroche**, you little rat! Unshoot him!  
**Gavroche**: What? I...  
**Eponine**: _(grabbing **Gavroche** by the shoulders and shaking him)_ Do it! Unshoot **Marius**!   
**Gavroche**: ...I don't know how, 'Ponine. Sucks to be you, eh? I told you he was a idio--  
**Eponine**: AAARGH! What do you mean, you don't know how? You have to know how! I won't let you get away with NOT knowing how! Try something--anything! He's getting closer!  
**Gavroche**: ...Maybe if we shot him while he's looking at somebody else?  
**Eponine**: Yes! And I know just the right person...  
  
  
Act 2, scene 2   
  
**Toussaint**: I am g-going to go sh-shopping, Mad'moiselle. Behave yours-s-self.  
**Cosette**: Yes, of course, Toussaint.  
_(_**Toussaint**_ leaves)_  
**Eponine**: Now! Charge! _(**Gavroche** and **Eponine** barrel into number fifty-five Rue Plumet, grab **Cosette**, and carry her outside like a cow. **Cosette**, surprised, protests feebly at this odd treatment.)_  
**Gavroche**: You tie her to the bench there, while I go get into position behind the fence.  
**Eponine**: _(finishing the knot on Cosette's bindings)_ Orright. But hurry! He's coming closer!  
**Gavroche**: Yah, yah. I'm not _/daft/_, **'Ponine**.  
**Cosette**: _(timidly)_ Ah...pardon me, but...  
**Eponine**: Shut up.  
**Cosette**: O-okay.  
**Marius**: **Eponine**! You should have told me you liked to do long distance running, we could have collected dust from far off places that way!  
**Cosette**: Oh, I love collecting things!  
**Marius**: Really? _(he notices her for the first time)_  
**Gavroche**: Pow! _(an arrow thumps into Marius's back)_  
**Eponine**: Whew! It worked!  
**Marius**: **Cosette**...want to see my live wasp collection?  
**Cosette**: Oh! You have a live wasp collection? Waow! I'd love to!  
_(**Eponine** and **Gavroche** take flight. Finally, in a distant alley, they stop running.)_  
**Eponine**: I never knew he was so...so strange! I never want to go through that experience again. Ever.  
**Gavroche**: Shucks, I'm out of arrows. _(tosses the now-useless bow into the garbage)_  
**Eponine**: Well, I hope you didn't shoot anybody _/too/_ important.   
**Gavroche**: ...  
**Eponine**: ...Say, is that a wedding procession over there?  
**Les Amis**: _(looking very awkward and out-of-place)_ Ring out the bells upon this day of days, may all the angels of the Lord above in jubilation sing their songs of praise, and crown this blessed day with peace and love...  
**Courfeyrac**: I can't believe he roped us into this.  
**Bahorel**: Anything for a friend, I suppose. What _I_ can't believe is this wedding...  
**Joly**: I think I've got laryngitis.  
**Feuilly**: You just don't want to admit that you sing like a toad, **Joly**.  
**Deadbeat Waitress** (now **Madame Enjolras**): I suppose this means you aren't going to order anything.  
**Enjolras**: Oh, you've such clever wit--how I love you! Who needs an insurrection, anyway? Long live the king!   
**Eponine**: **Gavroche**, you didn't...  
**Gavroche**: Um.  
**Eponine**: Oh, well. Like it affects us.  
_(they trot off into the sunset, and crappy ending music begins playing)_  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
